“I
can’t do this”
“Yes
you can, we both know you can. You’re a creative person.”
“I
can’t, the thoughts aren’t coming. I just wish this would go away.”
“What’s
wrong with you? I’ve never seen you like this before. You’re holding yourself
back. What are you afraid of?”
“I
can’t explain it, I’m trapped. I can’t get out of here.”
I
look in the mirror sometimes and the concept blows my mind. “This is me; all of
me is contained in this one body.
Everyone who sees me sees this body slightly differently, even more
differently than I see myself. Who’s
right then? If I can look differently to every single person, who’s to say I
exist?”
There
are times when I feel like my friends love me too much for their own good. It’s a strange thought because obviously it’s
not really something that most people would worry about. I love them back though, every single one of
them, yet sometimes it’s hard for me to understand why they would choose me to
be their friend. It comes from my habit
of magnifying the good in others. It’s a
wonderful habit, but it can be self-destructive. Why? Because I don’t do the
same to myself; in fact, I do the exact opposite. Therefore, it’s hard for me to accept that I
can be so valuable to these people that I admire so much.
I’ve
asked. We were sitting on the steps
overlooking the ocean. She had driven
all the way from my hometown just to see my apartment and spend a few extra
hours with me before her flight back to Chicago.
“Why?”
“Why?”
The sound of the crashing waves resonated in
the background.
“Yea,
I mean, why do you care so much? Why do you consider me your best friend?”
She looked at me and
gave me one of those sweet smiles that filled her face and lit up her soft,
brown eyes. She laughed.
“I don’t know man.
It’s impossible not to love you. You’re you!”
I smiled back at her
and turned away. What an odd answer. But
she seemed to think that was enough.
Maybe it was, maybe I just can’t see it.
I
sometimes wonder if butterflies realize how incredibly beautiful they look as
they fly above the earth. Their
distinctive, deep orange color feeds such a spectacular contrast against the
crisp, pure blue sky. But they must have
some sort of inferiority complex, it may not be justified; but to them I’m sure
it could be bothersome. Imagine, flying from exotic flower to exotic flower,
each more beautiful than the last, each exhibiting the perfect preservation of
some vibrant yet delicate color. Spending your entire life living off of the
nectar provided by some exquisite counterpart must become exhausting. The flower is regarded so highly, how could
the butterfly not feel inferior every now and then?
Nature
keeps me sane. It reminds me that I am a part of something bigger than just
myself. There is something worth
fighting for. The ocean helps the
most. It is so vast that you can’t help
but feel like you are a part of it. It’s
a humbling experience. How dare you
think any of your problems are bigger than the problems of those around
you? We are all connected. We all walk on the same Earth. We all feed off of her resources. So we should all constantly thank her. But
people don’t…
I
live in a box. Not literally,
obviously. Literally, I should be open
to everything; this is my time to explore. I’m away from home; I should be
growing in every possible way. Yet I feel so restless from time to time. I feel like my very skin is my prison. When I look in the mirror I feel like
shattering it, maybe shattering my very body to free my soul. I feel like running, running as far away as I
possibly can. Maybe even until it kills
me.
Death
doesn’t scare me. I think this is
because I believe that we are all a part of everything else. We all flow together as this one energy. It’s happened before to me, when I’ve
realized that I am not really an individual person. Well, in this world I am but I feel that my
“soul” is a part of this greater force.
I’m connected to the soul of every other person. Imagine the power we could all have if we
joined together and fought for a common cause.
We shape our world with our mind; for the most part, we see what we want
to see. Our individual worlds are shaped
by what we know, if, globally, we focused all of our energy towards changing
the world, it would change. We are so
very powerful.
I’ve
started to feel this new kind of love.
It’s not the romantic kind; at least I’m pretty sure it’s not. I don’t even know if it is love, but I call
it that for lack of a better word. It
scares me. I think mainly because I know how deep it is, I know how vulnerable
it makes me. It’s extremely
overwhelming. Putting so much trust in
someone who’s already hurt you is a very dangerous thing to do. But I can’t
help it. So I keep going. Hoping and praying that I won’t get hurt.
I
know he loves me too, the same love I have from all my close friends. I’m lucky
enough to have many. I’m very dear to
him. But what I feel is different. I
wish I could explain it, I wish I could describe what it feels like. I wouldn’t describe it as a pleasant feeling
necessarily; I wouldn’t describe it as painful.
It just exists in me at all times, sometimes it’s well hidden, sometimes
it consumes me. I can’t do it justice
with words. It’s much too internal of an
emotion. I can almost feel it in the
depths of my heart.
Being
such a scientific person, the fact that I can feel it in my heart irritates me
even more. The heart doesn’t really have
a place for love. That should come from
the brain right? I mean I guess no one really knows where human connections and
emotions really come from. That’s probably
where the soul comes into the equation.
Yea,
sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough for anything. Sometimes it seems like everyone would just
be better off if I didn’t exist. But we
are all a part of this world. And I am
one of the few people who can truly see that. I need to learn how to live life
the way I want to live it. These things
cannot trap me, cannot contain me. I am
above all of this. This box that I live
in is self-constructed, the love that I feel is real. Hopefully soon it will become truly
unconditional, then it won’t hurt so much to see him go. I will accept the love
that my friends give me because “When people show you who they are, you should
believe them.” And like the butterfly, I will become aware of my own
beauty. It may not be as evident as that
of a flower, but I will prove that because I am unique I can touch the world in
a way that will make a difference. I deserve
it; I deserve to transcend these earthly pains.
We all do. We can all take the
steps that will lead us to where we want to be.
We just need to open up and let ourselves become free of our inhibitions
and of our insecurities. We need to
live.
The
world is what we want it to be. The power we all possess is immense, sometimes
frightening if it is let into the minds of those who do not comprehend that our
power must be joined in order for it to work.
Imagine, not one, or two, but 6 billion temples of thought focused onto
a single point. In each of us, lives a piece of greatness and potential, like a
piece of shattered glass that has been torn from its brothers. If each of us can find our shattered piece,
however small, and share it with our brothers, we may be able to once again
hold the glass, complete, in our hands to fill with whatever we desire. Each
one of our pieces is a reflector of light on its own, but only when all the
pieces join will we have the power to channel that light and form a single
rainbow. In some, the speck is hidden
deep within them, so they are not aware of the light and power their piece
holds; but I understand. My life is
beautiful because I cannot imagine living any other way. Now we must assist others in seeing their
piece in this puzzle. The world is what
we want it to be. And with only our collective thoughts, we can alter the
illusions we live in…
“I
can’t do this”
“Yes
you can, we both know you can. You’re a creative person.”
“I
can’t, the thoughts aren’t coming. I just wish this would go away.”
“What’s
wrong with you? I’ve never seen you like this before. You’re holding yourself
back. What are you afraid of?”
“I
can’t explain it, I’m trapped. I can’t get out of here.”
“Shhhh.
Breathe. Just start writing, you’ll be fine. Release your thoughts”
“What
if it goes too deep? What if it makes me too vulnerable?”
“That’s
what it’s for…”
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